When Good Isn’t Good Enough: Supporting the Perfectionistic Child

Do you know a child who is a  perfectionist?

Do they put more pressure on themselves to succeed than you do?

Does he become hysterical when he misses one question on a test or doesn’t make the highest grade?

Does she collapse into tears when she strikes out at bat or misses a catch?

Does he always seems to be beating himself up about something?

If you know a child that is hard to motivate and who could care less about grades or hitting a home run, then this might seem like a dream come true.  A child that actually cares about their performance?  How wonderful!

But the parent or teacher of a perfectionist knows that there is a great deal of concern about the amount of stress and pressure that this child puts on himself.  These children tend to have a skewed vision of success and hold impossibly high standards for themselves.  They are driven and committed, with little patience and even downright frustration for siblings or friends who do not pursue the same standards of excellence.

Since our society places a great deal of importance on both academic and extracurricular success, you may find that perfectionistic tendencies are actually encouraged at school and in sports activities. However, this is more than a child putting their best foot forward and being the best they can be.  This is a child that has unrealistic expectations of themselves and who has great difficulty handling mistakes of any kind, much less failure to win top honors.  The persistent drive to be perfect at all times, sets a child up for constant worry and disappointment.  In addition, he rarely has down time when he can relax and be himself.

Where does this perfectionistic drive come from?  Brene Brown in her excellent book entitled The Gifts of Imperfection, notes that her research indicates perfectionism is at it’s root a desire to please others.  It is based on a feeling of never being good enough and always striving for reassurance.

How can you help? What practical steps can a parent, educator or school counselor do to encourage and support a child that is a perfectionist? Here are a few:

• Evaluate the messages that you give both directly and indirectly.  If you are frequently acknowledging the high grades, first place trophies, or being the best on the team, then you are encouraging the child to only feel worthwhile when they measure up.
• Recognize the energy and effort involved in success rather than the end result.  When a child succeeds, praise the process:  “Wow, your hard work and practice paid off!”
• Help the child with unrealistic and unhealthy thinking practices.  Perfectionists tend to think in extremes.  “If I win, then I’m a winner and perfect.  If I lose I’m a loser and stupid.”  Help them discover their value regardless of the outcome, “Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, but I’m always worthwhile no matter what.”
• Re-frame losing as an opportunity to learn. Don’t protect children from mistakes. Instead help them to see the learning and opportunities in failure.  Be open and honest through sharing the mistakes that you make and how you handle them.  Teach them ways to handle disappointment and failure in a positive way.
• Make sure the message that “you are enough just as you are” permeates all of your interactions so that children don’t feel they have to earn your approval through their actions.
• Create humorous and light-hearted moments in life. Engage in some activities where the child does not have to perform or be the best.  Instead schedule time for things that are fun, relaxing or require a new skill.
• Point out examples of people who tackle disappointment and failure in their own lives, yet are ultimately successful.  Watch movies and read books with characters that are good role models.

School counseling book and grab ‘n go lesson on mindset and re-framing failure:

Wyatt the Wonder Dog Tries Again

Wyatt the Wonder Dog didn’t make it on the All Star baseball team and he feels like a loser.  All  his friends will be playing baseball this summer, while he and his pesky sister, Callie, visit grandparents at the beach.  How Wyatt learns to handle disappointment and failure will be an important lesson for the future.  Will he give up trying new things?  Will he have the confidence to try again?  Are there some things that take more practice and persistence to learn than others?