Anger Has a Message: Learning to Listen

Why is it that some kids just seem angry all the time?

And what is the best way to handle the emotion of anger?

It is first important to understand what anger is and why as humans we may have developed it. One theory is that anger is one of the basic six emotions that have been hard-wired into us from our history. While in modern life, we are often expected to minimize or even eradicate anger from our lives, anger is actually a protective emotion and serves a purpose.

Why an individual gets angry may have to do with their  history as well as their perception of events.  A child who has experienced lots of challenging and threatening situations, may develop a tough angry demeanor as a signal to others to stay away and as a personal reminder that they always need to be on guard. For another child, anger may be a sign that something is unfair, that their boundaries are being violated or that someone else is in danger.

While in modern life, we are often expected to minimize or even eradicate anger from our lives, anger is actually a protective emotion. As humans we are always recognizing and responding to threats, both physical and emotional, real, and imagined. Depending on how we perceive the threat, anger may then signal our brain to engage our response system of fight, flight, or freeze.

One way to understand anger and to explain it to children is to use the hand model of the brain. Here is a great video on how our brains respond to emotion and how we may flip our lid or lose control

I think that often we teach kids strategies for eliminating and overcoming anger without first teaching them to evaluate the cause of the anger. Sometimes the anger may be a sign that we need to stand up for ourselves or someone else. Other times it may mean we need to recognize that the threat is not significant, and we need to practice some breathing strategies to calm down. If we are not tuned in to our anger, its cause, and our choices, then anger can come out sideways. This is what happens when we flip our lid or allow the reptilian brain to take charge over our more modern brain. Helping kids understand how anger and the brain work together can be the first step to anger management.

Here are some questions we can teach students to ask themselves before acting:

1. What just happened?
2. What am I feeling right now?
3. Where do I feel it in my body?
4. Why might I be feeling this way?
5. What do I need right now—calm, help, or a solution?
6. What choice will help—not hurt—me and others?

Anger is not bad. Anger is information.
It tells us something feels unfair, unsafe, frustrating, or important.
The goal is not to get rid of anger—but to listen to it and respond wisely.