Words Matter: What Not to Say to an Anxious Child

Before Covid-19, anxiety was on the rise, however, the pandemic has made for a significant increase. Currently, one in four children suffer from anxiety disorder. Of course, fear and worry have always been a normal part of childhood. It is a rare child that doesn’t at some point have a fear of monsters or the dark. However, these typical fears are often ones that children outgrow without much in the way of adult intervention.  The problem today is that for many children, worry and anxiety have become a ever present part of life.

As an elementary school counselor, you play a key role in helping students develop emotional awareness and coping strategies. When working with anxious children, your words can either soothe their worry or unintentionally intensify it. While our intentions are usually good, certain phrases can dismiss or minimize what a child is experiencing. Let’s take a look at a few common but unhelpful responses—and explore more supportive, validating alternatives.

What Not to Say to an Anxious Child

1. “There’s nothing to be anxious about.”

This phrase may seem comforting on the surface, but to a child who is already overwhelmed, it can feel invalidating. Anxiety doesn’t always make logical sense—even to the person experiencing it. While the things that make children anxious may seem small and insignificant to adults, they loom large in the world of a child. Imagine that you shared with a friend something that had you quite worried and their response was, “I don’t know what you are so worried about… you are being ridiculous!” Would that calm you down and alleviate your fear? Or would you just decide not to share how you really felt with that person again? Children will respond with the same reaction.

🔄 Try this instead:
“I can see that you’re feeling really worried right now. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”

This shows empathy and opens a door for conversation.

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2. “I’ll take care of everything—don’t worry.”

While this may seem helpful, there is a hidden message here which is that the child isn’t capable of taking care of the situation and as the adult, you will handle everything. It is better to help a child see what they have control of and how they can make a difference. This helps them develop problem solving skills and teaches them that they are capable of overcoming challenges

🔄 Try this instead:
“I’m here with you, and we can work through this together.”

This encourages partnership and builds the child’s confidence to problem-solve.

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3. Ignoring the anxiety or changing the subject.

Sometimes adults avoid discussing anxiety because they fear making it worse. If you say nothing, the child may interpret this in any number of ways, but they certainly will feel isolated and alone without your support.

🔄 Try this instead:
“Thank you for sharing. I didn’t know how difficult this was for you.”

This type of response shows that you’re listening and that their feelings matter.

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What To Say to an Anxious Child

• “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but it looks like you’re working really hard, and I’m proud of your effort.”

• “It’s okay to feel this way. We all get anxious sometimes.”

• “You’re not alone. I’m here to help.”

• “Let’s take a deep breath together and figure out the next step.”

• “You don’t have to share but I want you to know that I’m here to listen and I care about you.”

These statements communicate validation, presence, and encouragement, helping children feel supported and capable.

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The Power of Empathy

Empathy is the foundation of emotional support. It’s not about fixing the problem immediately—it’s about meeting the child where they are. When we try to understand what they’re feeling, even when we don’t fully “get it,” we build trust and emotional safety.

🧠 Remember: A child’s anxiety may not seem “rational” from an adult point of view—but to them, it’s very real. Listening with empathy shows that you value their experience.

Empathy is the foundation of emotional support. It’s not about fixing the problem immediately—it’s about meeting the child where they are. When we try to understand what they’re feeling, even when we don’t fully “get it,” we build trust and emotional safety.

Once a child shares their concerns and you have listened with empathy, what next? I think its a good idea to allow the child to maintain control by asking questions that keep them in the driver’s seat. For instance:  How could you solve the problem? What would be the best outcome? How could you make that happen? What would make a difference? What if its possible….?  Lead them through a problem solving brainstorm session to determine what steps they might take. Have them consider it an experiment in what works and what doesn’t. Then, check back with them after they put some of their ideas to work. Help them understand that challenging anxiety and worry, just like overcoming any problem, is a process but you are available to help them on the journey.

Looking for some workbooks to use with students who suffer from anxiety or in a small group?