Building Self Esteem the Growth Mindset Way
Back in the day when I was a kid, (which I admit was long, long ago), no one worried about kids developing self-esteem. I’m not even sure the concept of self-esteem existed. What did parents worry about? Well, other normal stuff; kids behaving, kids being successful in school, kids getting along with each other. Then somehow we got derailed and tried to make sure everyone felt good all the time. Self-esteem became a goal to achieve. Worst of all, we thought we could achieve it just by telling kids how wonderful they were and not requiring any effort on their part.
Lucky for kids of the current generation, we’ve revamped the idea of self-esteem and now understand that it involves more than telling everyone they are special. It involves effort, practice, taking on challenges and enduring hardship. It’s not as easy as just believing in yourself. It involves accomplishment and achievement. Self-esteem and resilience are cousins. The more you develop qualities that make you resilient, the better you feel about yourself.
What Positive Self‑Esteem Is—and Is Not
| Positive Self‑Esteem Is | Positive Self‑Esteem Is Not |
| A realistic, balanced sense of self‑worth rooted in effort, growth, and character | Arrogance, entitlement, or believing you’re “better” than others |
| Confidence that mistakes are part of learning | Expecting perfection or never feeling uncertain |
| Knowing “I have strengths and areas to improve—and both are okay” | Constant comparison or needing external approval to feel worthy |
Children with healthy self‑esteem trust their ability to learn, recover from setbacks, and contribute meaningfully, while still recognizing they have room to grow.
Counselor Corner: What to Say and Do to Boost Self‑Esteem
| Do / Say This… | Why It Helps |
| Use descriptive praise: “I noticed you kept working even when the puzzle got tricky—that shows perseverance.” | Connects success to controllable effort, not luck or fixed talent. |
| Normalize mistakes: “Everyone messes up when they’re learning. What did you discover from this attempt?” | Teaches that errors are data, not identity. |
| Offer genuine choices: “Would you like to share your project with a partner or the whole class?” | Increases agency and internal sense of control. |
| Highlight progress: Create a classroom “Yet Wall” for skills students haven’t mastered yet. | Turns deficits into goals framed by growth mindset. |
| Model self‑compassion aloud: “I got my words mixed up while presenting, and that’s okay—I’ll try again.” | Shows adults also practice kindness toward themselves. |
| Celebrate character, not just outcomes: “You showed kindness by inviting Luis into the game.” | Reinforces values beyond grades and trophies. |
What Not to Say or Do (Self‑Esteem Saboteurs)
| Avoid This… | Impact on Self‑Esteem |
| Global labels: “You’re such a smart girl!” (for every success) | Ties worth to fixed traits—kids may avoid challenges that threaten the label. |
| Comparison praise: “You drew the best picture in the class!” | Fuels competition and fear of losing status. |
| Over‑rescuing: Finishing tasks for a frustrated student | Sends the message “You can’t handle this.” |
| Dismissive comments: “Stop worrying; it’s easy.” | Invalidates feelings and may shut down future help‑seeking. |
| Sarcasm or teasing about mistakes | Shame undermines risk‑taking necessary for growth. |
| Excessive, non‑specific praise: “Awesome! Perfect! Amazing!” for minimal effort | Kids sense the praise is unearned and may distrust feedback. |
Self‑esteem flourishes when children feel seen, capable, and valued for who they are becoming, not just what they achieve today. With intentional language and experiences, counselors can plant lifelong seeds of self-esteem and resilience.
